September  2013

Truth is.. Shame, Regret, Guilt, Denial, all covered up in red lipstick and makeup concealer

I have spent most of my life hiding from myself and hiding from Truth. She is the one constant reminder that I continue to fail in every single thing that I do. Truth is the one thing that I dodge, play continual hide and seek with, roam down long dark corridors just to escape her. I am sick of Truth, because Truth will be the death of me.

Every time that I seek out a new therapist I have to go through my history. I fast track it and tell them that yes, I have had this past, but I am totally over it. I assure them that we do not need to revisit past issues from my childhood because I have completely worked through these issues through therapy. It is the one lie that I have successfully been able to tell. Because after all, I am a horrible liar, I am thirty nine and I think that I have told about 3 lies in my entire life and if they really cared to know, they would have known that I was totally fibbing my ass off.

There is something ungodly about telling a lie. But I do it, each and every time that I say that I am completely and utterly over my complicated and yet horrible childhood. For me it’s more a case of Denial than an actual lie and so I do it again and again.

Truth is hard to face. She is the one who steps out with Doubt each time that my father tells me that he loves me. She is in the back of my mind preventing me from really ever loving any man as my husband. She says just remember, it’s lies before Truth and then so Truth it never was. Truth is the anomaly that can never be, the idiosyncrasy that never was.

I learned a painful truth when I was Twelve. My mother never really loved me. She couldn’t face Truth and decided to ignore her to my demise. Denial enveloped her like a flick of sand in the wind and she was no more. I was left, alone, bruised and battered by her words, and her inaction, for Truth whispered in my ears that day, if my own mother does not love me, who then ever will.

Copyright    (working title…. this keeps changing!)